I. Mother Earth, The Hummer

by Sara Schmidt

She's definitely not the gas-and-soul-sucking SUV I despise/ have nightmares about/ curse at stoplights, but she does hum.

Of course, when someone as big as the Big Mama hums, it’s going to be loud. How loud? Well… about the equivalent of 6.0 earthquakes.

Researchers say that the hum is generated by interaction between the ocean, the atmosphere, and seafloor, between the Northern Pacific and the Southern ocean—which, I think we can all agree on, has got to be where the Earth’s throat is.

What would a 6.0 earthquake-song sound like? Given that the origins seem to be within the ocean, my money’s on about three billion people gargling mouthwash in the middle of Times Square.

Is this the motherly, in-the-kitchen-with-shortnin' humming that the Giver of Life croons as she molds the world of her wee ones? Or the calm, pre-Armageddon purr of a pissed off goddess as she crafts all-natural bombs from lava, ice and fire?

Your guess is as good as mine. Gaia's hum-a-long playlist is probably something like this:

"This Land is Your Land" // Woody Guthrie

"In a Gadda Da Vida" //Iron Butterfly

"Big Yellow Taxi" // Joni Mitchell

"Mercy, Mercy Me" // Marvin Gaye

"Apeman" // The Kinks

"The Three R's" // Jack Johnson

Any guesses to her workout mix?

So, for Earth Day this year, I have decided to visit my local stream and sing underwater as a tribute to the Great Mother. If you’d like to join me, I’ll be the idiot in a wetsuit sputtering between verses of “Wake Up, America.”